Head Down Not Face Down

I heard a story once about some children who had been watching a butterfly trying to emerge from its cocoon, and it seemed to be taking it forever.  Not only that, it looked as if the poor thing was working so hard to free itself that the children took pity on the creature and clipped the cocoon open.  Once freed, however, they found that it could not fly...for they were unaware that the butterfly needs the struggle to build much-needed strength for flying.

I too have been on an excruciating journey from the time I made the decision to write a book and actually doing it.  I made a million excuses as to why I’m not qualified, and eventually conceded that at the very least, it would be cathartic.  At the most; enlightening.  Instead I have gone to places I never expected (and didn’t want) to be. 

I also thought if I just keep my nose to the grindstone, I could have this project licked in a year.  

It’s been nearly two. 

Writing has caused me to do a lot of digging; a lot of soul searching and introspection. The deeper I dig, the more I’d like to cover up.  Facing truth is never easy, nor is pretending all is well.  If any of you have gone through therapy, you learn that in order to get well, you must go “through” not “around” the tough stuff.  It isn't fun, but necessary.  Unlike the butterfly, which can only achieve flight one way, the human heart explores a myriad of vehicles toward freedom.

We can educate ourselves, go on trips, and risk building new relationships.  We can become newly wed, new parents, empty nesters, and newly grieving, which are some of the weightiest predicaments for the heart to endure. Some of our most significant growth comes through these times, and like the butterfly, if we take short cuts to being released from the temporary “fix” we’re in, we don’t gain the strength we need to fly. 

Besides short cuts, we can also use a variety of coping strategies…some healthy. 

Some, not so much.  (Ask me about my chocolate addiction!)

I knew that much, but I didn’t know that I am a huge practitioner of avoidance and denial.  I didn’t even know I needed therapy until my doctor recommended it during a yearly physical.  She thought it seemed kind of odd that I hadn’t done so before, but figured there must be some missing element to my healing since I have been under doctors' care (I have a team) for almost ten years for a nervous breakdown.  That IS a long time I agreed.  I tend to run each day full out, and trying to get my body to go as fast as my mind wants to go is sometimes frustrating. So, I agreed to do whatever they thought best.

After lots of talking (not just to my therapist), reading some very relevant books, and a huge amount of soul searching I’ve learned that I have an issue with seeing what’s really there.  I tend to find the positive side  to everything (my twin calls this wearing my rose-colored glasses), minimizing the amount of pain it caused others or has caused me. My "go to" reaction to the tough stuff is to just keep my head down; bent into the wind. I’ve prided myself in being bulletproof.  

But.  I’m not bulletproof. 

I have a physical body, which stores experiences through sensory-laden memories that can affect the body in negative and positive ways.  Like the times my Grandpa would offer me an orange slice.  You know, the gummy candy with crystals of sugar all over the outside.  Yum!  Just thinking about it makes my mouth water and my heart smile.  It’s a place I like to go, so I don’t stop my mind from wandering there... 

Other memories of my childhood, though, are another story.  I’m still in the process of making it all make sense, so no details yet, but in talking to my sister and brother, comparing notes of what we each remember is interesting.  Some things I can vividly recall, while one of my siblings may have completely blocked it.  Like I said, we all have different strategies for “dealing.”

 The Word says we are to “draw near to the throne of grace with confidence that we may receive mercy  and find grace to help in time of need." (Heb. 4:16.)

But I don’t. 

I have trusted the phrases drilled into my conscious and unconscious thoughts.  

“God helps those who help themselves,” and 

“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!” 

Or as my Grandfather often said as he would push away would-be helpers,"I'm skinnin' this cat, and you ain't holding its tail!"  

All are illustrations of us doing things on our own. 

Barbara Johnson wrote about how we often approach the Throne, ready to lay our troubles down, tell our Father everything that’s weighing down our heart, and then pick those burdens up again like luggage.  Guilty as charged.   

I forget that the same God who formed me in secret, made a difference between day and night, and sent my Savior to pay the price of sin for me...doesn't want me to put my head down, into the wind.  He wants me to learn how to get on my face, and ask for  help instead.