Haven't posted anything in a while. For one thing, I have been consumed with becoming a speaker, and finishing my book, and secondly, I haven't had a bee in my bonnet about anything. But...tonight I was considering the road I've been on as a parent. I am one of those Mama's who is serious about mothering...and although I'm sad about not being able to mother more children, I am glad not to be doing this process over.
Parenting teaches each of us a lot about ourselves if we're willing to take the time to reflect. (Sometimes what we see in that reflection isn't pretty!) When they're little, you are so busy trying to find time to sleep that time for reflection is lost between the time it takes to put the baby down and when your sleep-deprive-induced snoring begins. But, as they get a little more autonomic, you have time to pay closer attention to the faces they make (that look like an aunt) or the way they play (fodder for psychologists sometimes), and how they interact with you. I did a lot of that with my daughter early on, because there were so many peculiar behaviors, and like most new parents I worried. Add to that, my mother-in-law moved from our hometown to our "new town" to "help"...and she worried more than I did. Problem was, we worried about different things. She was distraught over sneezes, running noses, and coughs... or any sign that our daughter would be in any discomfort. I, on the other hand, was concerned about how she reacted to light and temperature changes, her abrupt night awakenings, and her fearsome fits. Oh, she smiled a lot, and she had the sweetest way of waking us with humming in the morning, but there were so many times that I researched and waited, watched and wondered.
Like other parents before me, I have learned how much we are responsible for their behavior, but how little control we have over their decisions, and that my dear reader is what has broken my heart. The gene pool has only so much influence on a child's personality. The rest is a complicated recipe. You can hope like crazy that your child will have the best looks, a good heart, success in all they do, wisdom, and our Father's Eyes, but hoping doesn't make it so. When any of those things are missing in your child's make-up, it makes you wonder what went wrong.
I can go over the pregnancy (which was during a time of famine, friction, and tumult), the hit and run accident by a drunk driver during my 26th week, and the birth (which must have been so incredibly rude to her!) where her shoulders could not be delivered so she had to be pushed back inside and brought out, elbow first. Rude, indeed!
I wondered if any of those reasons were to blame for all we'd been through. Is this why she has so many headaches, had the struggles in school, the neurological issues, and the anxiety? And this is just the tip of the iceberg. She was an exceedingly willful little person, demanding, and busy; but all the same, charming, winning, and beautiful. She's always been prone to singing, even to the annoyance of one of her elementary teachers, but won't sing for an audience. She drove her teachers crazy! And if you ever need a leader for any reason, my daughter is your gal. But, buyer beware: If she doesn't agree with you, there is absolutely no way to change her mind. I mean it. (I'll be there for you, future husband, when she makes you want to pull out your hair! I'll be in the kitchen, hiding out with my chocolate.) So, are you a parent who wants to be pro-active about their child's future? Or are you like me, in the ring, up against rebellion far too often (and tired of being in the ropes)?
Then please read the advice I have for you in the following:
If I did get a do-over, I would pray a lot more. I would have looked for people to help me teach my daughter how much my faith is intertwined in everything I am and the reason behind everything I do. See, I thought if I led by example she would watch and follow. Not so with and independent-thinking, strong-willed child. She has always behaved like she believes she is the exception to every rule. It doesn't matter if it's a school topic or a faith-based discussion. For example, if I suggested she take a raincoat with her to school, she would assure me that it wouldn't rain that day. Sigh.
I have also been way too quiet about my relationship with Christ. It should have been regular input in my daughter's life...before she was big enough to get Disney-indoctrinated. Plead with believers in your family to help show your child how much a Christ-centered life is as natural as breathing, so that when they get to school and meet other kids without Christ-centered homes, it will not rock yours. If you don't believe me, let me tell you sometime about the storm brought to us from Germany in the form of an atheist exchange student.
I would have had more regular conversations with my husband about how important it was to be a unified front, and to always, always talk about the other parent respectfully (even if they aren't in the room with you two). If the two of you are not on the same wave-length about your faith, you'd better pray even harder, because if your child sees that, you've got a bumpy ride ahead of you! And when there are disagreements about parenting style, moral issues, or worldly influences never, ever discuss these differences in front of your child! I can guarantee that if you want to plant the seed of doubt in a parent's competence, have disagreements about these subjects in front of your child, often.
Heartbreak can come in many forms, but if I have learned anything, I have learned that the worst heartbreak comes from a lack of obedience. So often God's Word gives us what we need to the job, whether it be parenting, being married, working, or whatever. If you really want to fortify your household then do what we're told to do in Deuteronomy (11:18-21), "So commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these words of Mine. Tie them on your hands and wear them on your forehead as a reminder. Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed, and when you are getting up. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, so that as long as the sky is above the earth, you and your children shall flourish...."
We just have to obey.
Because heartache stinks, and disobedience brings sin, and sin brings death....and that death can be the death of the dreams you had for your children, images of what could have been, but worst of all, the risk it puts on the soul. Like death, you cannot simply explain this kind of loss. But you can do your part to prevent it. Go teach your children well!
